Hello, I am Tanya. I grew up believing happiness would come from being a ‘good girl’ by being a nice person, helping others and never being selfish.
The only problem with this outlook on life is that this keeps everyone else happy but you!
As a child, I was taught it was better to give than receive (yes I did grow up in a catholic family in case you were wondering)!
What they failed to point out to me was that there are two people in the equation, and one has to be happy to receive!
Helping people is what I love to do, but at some point, along the way, I forgot that I also had to look after me too!
You probably know someone at work or in your life that will always says “yes” when asked to help. Nothing is too much for them; they are your go-to person. As a result, they are always busy. Sometimes you wonder how they get it all done?
Spoiler alert: It’s all an illusion! At some point, something will have to give. That something can often be at the cost of their wellbeing and fulfilment.
No one can continue to give without taking time to receive – it is like trying to live only by breathing out – at some point, you are going to have to take a breath in! And your body is going to make you if you like it or not!
I am going to share with you my definition of over-giving and some examples of how it has affected my own life. I will then share with you 5 tips for over-givers and my key takeaway I would like you to get from reading this post! Sounds good? Let’s get started
Over-giving is:
Habitually putting the needs and opinions of others before your own, negatively affecting your wellbeing and fulfilment.
Over givers are generally helpful, generous, big-hearted and driven at what they do. But they have the balance all wrong. They struggle to receive or ask for help. They find it hard to say no and can find themselves stuck in the exhaustion cycle with no time for them. Sound like someone you know? Or maybe this is you?
Over-giving is a habit, and you can learn to put yourself first, so you can still do what you love, helping people but in a more sustainable and impactful way.
I am going to share a few examples from my own life and how over-giving effected different areas of my life;
Over-giving and being a workaholic often go hand in hand!
I used to work an extra 3 hours every day because I’d take on everyone else’s work.
I always said yes when asked to do something as I didn’t want to let anyone down. Over time people started to see me as the ‘go-to person’ to get things done and solve their problems for them.
I was proud of this reputation until a career coach said to me ‘Maybe you’re more like a dustbin, a place where people go with things they don’t want to do themselves‘.
This hurt to hear, but over time, I started to see some truth in this. People didn’t always have my best interest at heart.
What I needed to do was to give them the tools to solve the problem for themselves or say no and finish my work first then help them.
When I needed help on a project, I would do anything to avoid asking for help. I didn’t want to create more work for anyone else (Crazy as I would be the first to help everyone else out!). So I just worked harder and tried to do it myself.
The truth is I never found the time and energy to do it all, so I was always disappointed with myself for not achieving the high standards I set myself!
What I’ve learnt since is that we can achieve so much more working together and people love to help if you need it.
Over-giving and people-pleasing are like best friends. You know if this is you if you are more concerned about making the other person happy than yourself.
This means your happiness is always in the hands of someone else and not in your control, not the best basis for any relationship!
I always felt responsible for everyone else’s actions or happiness. I would find myself apologising for things that were not even my fault! If someone was in a bad mood, I would automatically presume it had something to do with me. When the truth was, it had nothing to do with me.
I have since learnt that I have no control over how other people feel, and the only person I am responsible for is me!
I would find myself saying yes to things other people wanted to do, even if I didn’t want to, as I thought it would make them happy (it did). I would then feel disappointed when they said no to something I wanted to do. Outwardly I would be fine about it, but inside I would be upset because I missed out.
I’ve learnt since that the only person who can make me happy is me – it’s under my control and comes from inside and not from someone or something outside of me.
I’ve had to learn to say no without feeling guilty and realise that no one owes me anything. If they don’t want to do something that is their choice, often its got nothing to do with me its just not their cup of tea! I have also discovered the joy of doing what I want on my own – no more missing out!
I never really made any progress on my dreams or goals as I was too busy helping everyone else to work on theirs. I was always busy and had no spare time or energy to work on creating success for myself.
I dreamt of coaching professionally, writing a book and speaking on stage, but I didn’t think this would ever happen for me. There was a mismatch between what the world saw and how I felt inside. I had always been successful at everything I had put my mind too, but inside I was a spiral of self doubt and low self esteem.
I loved helping and coaching people, but I always did it for free as;
- I didn’t feel good enough
- I thought I didn’t have enough experience
- I didn’t believe people would pay for what I had to offer
It turns out these are all just excuses. Even the best excuses is still an excuse!
I didn’t believe in or value myself enough until I started on my own two years self-development journey to seek the answers to why I was always putting everyone else first. This habit of over-giving was making me ill again and again (you can learn more about this journey in the book ‘Transforming Your Life – Volume 3’ where I share my story of transformation and the lessons I learnt along the way!).
I found ‘me’ in the process and started to believe in myself and grow my confidence. I have since set up my coaching practice and spoken on multiple stages and in the process of becoming a #1 best selling author. All because I started to look after and love myself like I do for everyone else around me!
Over-giving is a tricky little habit and it can pop up in many different areas of your life through your thoughts and behaviours. They affect how you live your life.
Sometimes we can convince ourselves that this is who we are and can’t change it. I’m here to call BS on that – it’s a Belief System (BS) that you have, it affects the actions you take and your habits. You can change your BS, but first, you need to understand why it’s important.
If you are always looking after the needs of others, it is really easy to lose sight of what it is you want from life. You become so good at repressing your own needs/emotions/dreams (take your pick) that you soon forget that you had any in the first place!
As the saying goes ‘you cannot serve from an empty cup’! If you continue to give to others but never give yourself time to rest & recover soon, your cup is going to run dry. This is where you may find yourself trapped in the exhaustion cycle with no idea how to escape.
This is especially important if you are in a giving profession (coaching, emergency services, teaching etc), as most over-givers are as helping others is at their core. Deep down helping others is what they love to do! It’s just that overtime they have forgotten that they matter too.
Left unchecked over-giving can easily lead to feelings of resentment, unfulfillment and exhaustion. It doesn’t have to be that way.
If you’re over-giving in areas of your life, the good news is that it is a habit and it can be broken. You can learn how to start putting your wellbeing and fulfilment first without feeling guilty or selfish.
You can start by;
- Putting time aside every morning and evening for you to look after your body and mind.
- Start with as little as 10mins stretching whilst checking in with how you’re feeling by doing a quick body scan.
- Before saying yes, work out if it’s something you want to do or if it’s something you think you should do?
- Remember saying yes is saying no to something you could be doing for you!
- Write out your schedule every day, including the essential things you must achieve. It is then easy to see what time you do or don’t have.
- When someone asks you to help, you can honestly say no, without feeling guilty. You may even find more time for you this way.
- Make sure you actually give yourself breaks throughout the day. Get outside if you can in nature. You need time to rest & recover (you are only human after all!).
- Pro Tip: Set an alarm on your phone to remind you to take your break!
- Spend some time working out what a life of wellbeing and fulfilment looks like for you (you can start by just writing down what comes to mind and work from there).
- Make sure it includes what you love to do and not what you think you should do. Then start to incorporate this into your life.
These are only a few suggestions to help you get started.
It is empowering when you start to prioritise your wellbeing and fulfilment and it transforms your life!
You can still give and help people, but you do it in a more sustainable and impactful way, because you have the balance right. I have learnt how to break the cycle, and it has transformed my life as a result.
Over-giving is a habit, and you can learn to put yourself first so you can still do what you love, helping people, but in a more sustainable and impactful way.
Like with any ingrained habit and BS, it can be hard going at first but that will pass.
You’ll have to face the negative feelings that may arise for you (guilt/selfishness, etc.), see them for what they are – just thoughts with feelings attached to them and nothing more.
You can choose to react and act differently. The only person that can look after you and prioritise your wellbeing and fulfilment is you. It all starts and ends with you!,
Now it is time to do something. Learn the 6 Key Building Blocks to optimise your daily routine and how you can create your own daily rituals in my FREE guide.
I look forward to helping you create daily rituals that will put what you need and want first! It’s time to stop over-giving and start living a life with no regrets!
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